After writing my last piece, that whole week I had this overwhelming feeling of being alone. For most of the week I just shrugged it off as if it was nothing but then I had to go somewhere during the week and whilst surrounded by people I still felt so alone. It didn’t get to me as much when I was actually alone but when I was around people it became painfully obvious.
I believe that once you can freely speak your truth, then you will find freedom. So now even though I wrote about not being alone because I have Jesus, there are times when that feeling can overwhelm you, even though you know what you know. I had to snap myself out of it, because it was also making me feel like I’m no longer close to God. When I identified that feeling I knew it was the enemy projecting feelings of loneliness into my mind, because sometimes that’s the only way he can get you, through your mind. I was feeling distant from God; like there was no point in praying because God isn’t listening or doesn’t care (biggest lie of the enemy).
I then started to say this thing that my mum once told me to say (I’m not sure if it’s in the bible). “I bind my mind to the mind of Christ, I bind my emotions to the emotions of Christ, I bind my will to the will of Christ.” As soon as I finished it felt like the cloud had disappeared, I finally prayed and instantly felt restored.
Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ. 2 Corinthians 10:5 (KJV)
In terms of abandonment, I’ve always had problems with relationships/communicating, personally I think it stems from the lack of relation between myself and my father. I just couldn’t keep a friend, not that they left me, but more so I abandoned them before they could leave me. Then came the issue of guys; I knew what I had learnt in church and from the bible about no sex before marriage, but to me the only way a guy would be interested in me would be if we had sex. I didn’t believe I had anything better to offer than sex. Even till this day I have a hard time talking to men (I don’t know why), I don’t feel comfortable and I just can’t relate.
Now, the exclusion was a combination of the loneliness and abandonment, where I would feel like I’m being left out. Though, even if that were the case it shouldn’t be able to affect me as much as it did, to the point that I would want to quit things and be alone than be excluded. To get over this feeling I remembered what a wise young woman once said, she said always try to give someone the benefit of the doubt and assume that they meant no harm by it. This is easier said than done but once I decided to be content with what I have and what I’m doing right now, whatever I am “excluded” from won’t affect me.
On another occasion a lady said something that perfectly narrates my point; she said something like, now that she has a baby nobody sees her. It’s a weird thing to think but it’s a very good example of the exclusion I’m talking about. The people cooing over the baby don’t mean to offend her but that’s how it can be taken. Offence isn’t what someone does to you; it’s the way you chose to react to what someone does.