Where is daddy?
This question worries me so much. I’m dreading the day that my daughter asks this question. How do I start to explain why her dad isn’t around? The craziest part is that the pain and hurt that I felt as child, may be the pain that my daughter will one day feel. That’s why I stayed for longer than necessary in my marriage for the sake of my daughter, so that she wouldn’t have to suffer the pain and hurt that I went through. But ultimately I had to make a choice between my daughter growing up to see me; unhappy, depressed and physically hurt with her dad or happy and content without her dad.
I worry more so because I don’t want my daughter to feel abandoned, a feeling that I am still struggling with till this day. I wasn’t aware of how my dad leaving still pained me, I know I was hurt and angry in my younger years, but I honestly thought I was over it. Then something happened that brought all the pain back (the feeling of not being good enough). In that moment, when it hit me, I tried to shrug it off (it’s the same thing that has happened my whole life, nothing new), but this time I couldn’t hold it. I jumped in the shower and had a good cry (FYI the best place to cry). When I finished my shower/crying I felt a release, almost like this pain was still so heavy on my shoulders, and had finally been removed.
For my father and mother have forsaken me, but the Lord will take me in. Psalm 27:10 (ESV)
Then last Sunday I heard a message that was literally everything that happened to me (I’ll add the video below). The message reminded me that though I may break/crack that isn’t the end; I still have a purpose beyond this pain. And this pain may even be part of my purpose.
The Holy Spirit reminded me “make Me your everything”. This phrase is now my “mantra”. It helps me to focus on God, the things of God, and the things He has called me to do. I am now so content with myself and who I am in Christ, knowing that no matter who may come and go out of my life, God is constant.
But you are the ones chosen by God, chosen for the high calling of priestly work, chosen to be a holy people, God’s instruments to do his work and speak out for him, to tell others of the night-and-day difference he made for you – from nothing to something, from rejected to accepted. 1 Peter 2:9-10 (MSG)
I know that I won’t have all the answers for my daughter, but at least I can introduce her to Jesus, the One who took my pain and gave me purpose.
A father of the fatherless, a defender of widows, Is God in His holy habitation. Psalm 68:5 (NKJV)
I now have security that no matter what I don’t need to re-marry, I have everything I need, Jesus. Another man cannot offer me the things that Jesus can, for people will fail but God never does.
I am no longer lonely because I have Jesus.
Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10 (NKJV)