Embarrassed? Of God?


How can I be embarrassed of My God? I’ve grown up in the church, but I’ve never had that confidence to talk about God outside of the safety of the four walls of the church. I think for me it wasn’t a sense of embarrassment but a feeling of being unworthy to represent God, because I had conceived a baby out-of-wedlock, and to me that made me unworthy of being a Christian.

This feeling of unworthiness dictated my communion with God. I couldn’t freely pray in front of my mum, because I didn’t want her to make a big deal of my relationship with God or ask me too many questions (I hate being asked questions about things I can’t explain). The only other place than church that I felt comfortable to talk about God was my online bible study group, and with one of my pastor friends.

I think the issue was that I didn’t want others to know of my relationship with God else they’d ask me to explain it/prove it, and to this day God is the hardest thing/being/phenomenon to explain/prove. I know what He’s done for me, but I don’t have patience for an argument or debate (I can only show you the love of God, and leave God to do the rest).

I wouldn’t pray out loud outside, but my daughter had become accustom to prayer (thanks to Tata). Before we sleep, we pray. When we wake up, we pray. When we eat, we pray. When she hurts herself, we pray. And unlike myself, for her what we do at home, we do everywhere. One day we were waiting to go into nursery and as usual my daughter was running up and down, like she was connected to a power main, then she fell over. I went to pick her up and I tried to calm her down saying “it’s ok, you’ll be fine”, but the crying continued. At that point something in my spirit told me to pray, so I prayed out loud, a simple prayer, and immediately she stopped crying. I could see the look on one of the mothers face but regardless I felt a sense of relieve, she’d stopped crying like a banshee and I had finally overcome one of my fears, and I felt in my spirit that even though I didn’t talk to the lady directly about God, she got to experience/witness our relationship with God.

Then Jesus called a little child to Him, set him in the midst of them, and said, “Assuredly, I say to you, unless you are converted and become as little children, you will by no means enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore whoever humbles himself as this little child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. Matthew 18:2-4 (NKJV)

This scripture embodies how my daughters’ freedom ought to be how I should be. My daughter loves to sing and dance and sometimes she will sing a gospel song and yell at me to join in. The people near us couldn’t understand what she was saying but once I join in they can clearly hear that it is a gospel song (some of her favourites are below), punctuated with nursery rhymes. I don’t know what’s going on in the minds of these people but I believe that they heard it for a reason.

I would be afraid/shy to speak in tongues, because I didn’t want people to think I’m too spiritual, but one day at a Revelation Bible Study (RBS) event (check them out @RBSCDF), I couldn’t control it, I couldn’t stop myself (and I did try). Moments like those remind me that “where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty” 2 Corinthians 3:17 (NKJV).

Even when I started this blog I told maybe two people (my mum and my friend/pastor). I couldn’t/wouldn’t talk about this, how would explain to someone what God has asked me to do, but finally I got courage. I shared a brief post on Facebook and was shocked at the response. For me this courage was birthed out of the #HallelujahChallenge, where I have been able to build on my relationship with God and gain the confidence needed to talk about God. On the last day Pastor Nathaniel spoke a word that spoke life into me and into this blog; he said “Don’t start anything without a word from God”. I knew that God had given me a word about this blog (check out my about page), and I had to obey.

Sharing this blog alone has proven to me that I will never understand the heart of man. The people who I think would ridicule me, are being affected by my posts/life. Do what God has called you to do. Be assured that if He has called you, He will perfect it.

Slowly but surely God is opening me up, building me and training me to use every situation to introduce my God to someone.

For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ, for it is the power of God to salvation for everyone who believes… Romans 1:16 (NKJV)

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