I have always had my whole life planned out. From my job, to the age I got married and how many kids I had. I had my own path that I wanted to take.
Then “love” hit me, like a tonne of bricks. This saw me spiral down a whole new path, and eventually found me pregnant out of wedlock. Considering I had grown up in the church this new path was definitely not part of my plan. Everything that happened from this point on I didn’t see coming; I spend most of my pregnancy and the first year of my daughter’s life depressed. I had this uncontrollable feeling that I was worthless and a useless mother, like the world would be better off without me. I felt like a failure; my church more or less disowned me, my mum was disappointed plus family and friends, I was in the middle of university, my world came crashing down.
So in an attempt to straighten out the path I married the father of my baby (despite all the red flags), that turned out to be an error of judgement on my part. My “husband” would constantly tell me that he didn’t have to marry me, which just compounded my feelings that if I wasn’t around he could go and be with someone better and my daughter would get to have a better mother. After a lot more incidences I decided that it would be best for us to separate/divorce.
This divorce situation was the hardest decision for me to make. I had done everything within my power to make things better; I arranged counselling, he refused to attend, spoke to his parents, nothing worked. So initially I decided for us to separate, for him to get himself together and sort himself (drugs, drinking and violence had become a major issue). Once we forcefully separated he spiralled down and at that point I knew that there was no chance of reconciliation.
Throughout this whole situation I couldn’t understand why God would allow me to go through all of this. I remember singing worship songs daily and pleading with God just to make it better; I would repeat Philippians 4:13 (I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me NKJV) to myself over and over again. Eventually I realised that everything that was happening to me was essentially my choice, but I now knew that I needed God, I need to be where He wanted me to be and do what He wants me to do. So I surrendered the whole thing to God.
Be still, and know that I am God Psalms 46:10 (NKJV)
At some point I started asking God to kill him, just so I wouldn’t have to get a divorce (and technically fulfil my covenant “till death do us part”). I voiced my feelings to a very wise young lady, who reminded me that God still has a purpose for him, though he may not be walking in it yet, he will eventually fulfil his purpose. She then sent me a link to a blog about a lady going through a similar situation to me; she spoke about what she had experienced and how she had come to the conclusion that separation was necessary. After reading her story I knew that I needed to share my story. Maybe I was broken so that God can fix me into who He has called me to be. But one thing I know for sure is that God wants to use the broken pieces of my past as a platform for me to stand on.
It is not in God’s will for you to suffer at the hand of your partner. When the situation is dangerous and damaging separation is necessary, whilst exploring every avenue for reconciliation. But essentially listen to the spirit of God he will lead you to the best solution for you, don’t rely on others to tell you what to do. God knows best.
For I know the thoughts that I think towards you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 9:11 (NKJV)
This scripture helped me to hold onto God and trust in His plan, even though I had deviated, once I align with his plan and purpose, I have a perfect future ahead. Whenever I feel discouraged or I lose sight of the future God has for me, I look in the word of God for his promises, like Isaiah 41:10 (NKJV)
Fear not, for I am with you;
Be not dismayed for I am your God.
I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you,
I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.
I am now focused on developing my relationship with God, so that His will may be made manifest in my life.